悼念

當天使飛過人間
今天，收到一份禮物和一張咭，都是悼念小Rosie的。感覺好像I was home to an angel, 就算她離開了，還會收到這麼多關心和愛 How lucky was I. 為你的funeral 採的花，為我的工作桌帶來靜靜又滿溢的花香。窗外的白雲很美很美，就懸在海上，都好像在為你的離去而哭泣。
當我們回家時，小喵喵好像在問為什麼今天仍是沒有帶Rosie 回來? （平日rosie 回家他會好開心，總要檢視Rosie，聞聞她去過那裹）
又終於把這個Tote bag 拿了去見山書店賣。原來一直以來，很多人都找我買這個雙面的手畫地圖tote bag, 但其實我只印了五十個，成本很高（但布很厚，local 印，也是印得很好的）所以我沒有把它放往任何地方寄賣。現在見山有幾個，若果想買記住快快去喇！

寶貝

昨天是我家小女兒Rosie的Funeral, 我從家附近，我們每天走的那段路採了很多花，不是故意採白花，只是那裏就是充滿這些漂亮芬芳的花朵 - 橙花、槴子花和白色的勒杜鵑. Rosie，在我們最喜愛的花園花朵正在盛放，你一定很想跟我再去一遍。
其實我覺得採花比買花好，因為買花的carbon footprint 是很高的，但花園種在地上的花，不是採了還會再長嗎？
親愛的Rosie, 昨天我和Phoebe 等待接回你時在長沙灣行往深水埗，那段路好新奇，但你可能會有點怕怕，現在你在我心裹，就算突然的巨響也不怕了。
昨天那段路有幾間很恐怖的寵物店，銅鑼灣旺角那些至少會扮光鮮，但那裏那些很臭很醜，我不能想像你曾經在更恐怖的地方生活。
狗狗教練J 老師說狗狗是沒有時間觀念的，所以跟我們一起的好日子，每天對你來說都好像永恆一樣。你也見過的Sera 姐姐說，「Rosie一定知道自己活著這些年來，這段跟Connie和小虎仔的時光是最快樂的！」很多很多朋友說你會在天國重遇他們家的愛狗，alvin, bubu 等等。還有，有人說你是帶着滿滿的愛去天國的。
因為Rosie, 我認識了很多很多朋友，很多有心人。你也曾經為路邊很多陌生人，老人家帶來歡笑，真的，記得九龍公園那婆婆嗎？還有One Island East 那個露宿的婆婆，她超愛你。還有那次在Halfway Coffee 外的那位想抱抱你的婆婆，然後她從銀包拿出一張牧羊狗的照片！是她深愛的狗狗。
Rosie雖然覺得喵喵好X煩，但你一直容忍他，知道他只係一個超煩情人。他現在很傷心很傷心。本來好起來的病，現在比之前更嚴重。我們把你的小床玩具都洗過，但喵喵就只躺在充滿着你的氣味的那兩件物品上。他很不舒服，哭着，去不到小便，你們的獸醫要來看他了。
Rosie, 我們真的很傷心很傷心，但我們的回憶很珍貴，你是我生命中的天使，的確，連你離去，也是苦中帶甜的，我沒想過。所以你是一個真天使Rosie。
Because even it's so heartbreaking, I would still choose to have met you again if i were given the option again.

天使

沒有你的第四天
我家貓貓昨晚哭了兩小時，直至半夜一時，這是從來沒發生過的。他不舒服可能跟Rosie離去無關係，但無論如何，喵都係十分之愛Rosie的。
昨天早上喵喵只是抱着我的手，沒有如常狂咬狂踢，只是把小腦袋貼住我呼出暖暖的空氣。他一定很想念Rosie. 他們總是依着睡。今天我會打電話給獸醫，希望他只是緊張，而不是別的大病吧。
他之前不是病了嗎，本來已好起來，現在卻好像又開始了。但我們都知道他是個sensitive little soul.

我的朋友說，她會永遠在我的心內/ 身邊。自2012 年起，我花了很多年跟喪親輔導的贐明會合作，才寫出上一本繪本，然後又做了好多生死教育有關的book talk，我們常常說，一定要有自己的生死觀才可以跟別人談生死，我以為自己很清楚自己的生死觀，但這件事讓我反思了好多，例如，原來有些說法在悲傷時會令人感到安慰。but all not in a bad way. Rosie really brought the best side out of me, 在生前和現在也是。跟她一起的我，is one of the best versions of me.
雅文我的編輯姐姐說：「 所以我明白你說，Rosie真是小天使 🙃 不管在哪裡，活著還是離開，都沒有停止過給主人最好的禮物🎁就連傷心和思念，都帶著甘甜的滋味。
我覺得Rosie雖然離開，留下很多想念，但很羨慕你，那都是好的想念，因為你們不但心裡愛對方，最重要的是你們都盡了最大努力，對待對方以最好。所以沒有遺憾，所有的想念都是甜的。」我真的好幸福。啲人可能以為我花了好多錢好多時間愛她，但我好肯定她給我的比我給她的更多。
她那小小的身體，總在我畫畫時坐在我心口前暖暖的呼吸。
當天選擇foster Rosie 不是因為她很完美，而是因為她很可憐，腳又跛，總是躲在領養中心的小屋中，聖誕日好多人來看狗狗，但無人看到她。我本來好討厭poodle的。她初回家時也會吠。但因為有愛，她才變成今天的樣子。我也因為有很多很多人的愛，才成為今天的樣子。
雅文說：「抱抱，是的，沒有什麼比這個更重要。收穫了那麼多的快樂，而沒有留下遺憾（她去哪裡都黏著你，一定是知道你有多麼愛她），這就是最好的告別。」
雖然很傷心，但再選幾多次也會選擇遇見你 Rosie ❤️
I can only say we had no big regrets and I took as most time to spend with her as possible as I know she won’t be living forever We really loved each other and cherished most of every moment we had. I always say happiest time is just time drawing at home with both of them by my side. Simple but true.
她給了我無限的愛和陪伴，我抽了最多時間給她，我們無論去IFC Fuel 飲咖啡，還是去大嶼山行山都會一起，她是一隻見過我兩個醫生，陪我裝medical machine, 跟我一起去簽書 的小狗。
所以雖然只係兩年半，但感覺，是我身體的一部份。在最後的一夜，從醫院接回她後，我差不多沒有睡，我是知道她有不舒服的。

心中

你離去後的第三天 Day three after you're gone.
「我可唔可以帶埋Rosie」可能係我呢兩年半講得最多嘅一句說話之一。
It's best not to count to be honest, but it's so vivid to me.
As I said, I didn't feel totally unexpected, so it's not like some huge breakdown, but it's still very miserable. There are some sudden moments you wish urgently that you can rewind, JUST a few days, so we can go to the beach once more, so i can see you run once more, so you can go to the supermarket with me once more, and tears filled my bowl of lunch.

The spot where you used to sleep is now replaced by a white tuberose I picked on our usual favourite route together, where you kept me companied during my exercises.
I went and see the book where you are the main character this morning. I am so happy we printed the book at this local printer. They are struggling to survive now, they specialises in printing for restaurants and hotels, there's no job anymore if it was not for our picturebook.
The printer boss don't mind retiring early, but all his younger staffs who are breadwinner at home would suffer badly if the printer close down. I feel that it's part of the perfection that we chose to print there, even the lift in the old factory building is fun. My friends said that you are with me, I believed so, you are with me when we visited and looked at the sample.
I am so so thankful for everybody who reached out and messaged me, it meant so immensely to me, I know that many people wouldn't know what to say, but even seemingly repetitive things were comforting, reassuring, to know that we have tried our best for you, and you will always be in a better place without suffering and pain.
Yvonne said Rosie 有屬於佢自己嘅一本書 佢來到LAP 然後去到你身邊 又將故事畫出嚟教育下一代 係非常有意義的事」
Even though it’s so heartbreaking, but our happiness was so pure and so sufficient that it’s worth it.
Food is so overrated for me, Rosie, but you loved food dearly.

Rosie

你離去後的第一天
小Rosie 是繁殖場救出來的媽媽，因為不斷生育，前半生都住在細小, 髒兮兮、無陽光的籠裹，與自己屎尿同眠。所以身體瘦弱，前腳變型，行路一拐一拐的，整條尾龍骨都彎起來（所以我們為她做了一個大的手術）她一隻牙齒都沒有，小掌paws 紅腫了，都是多年來踏住鐵籠的痕跡。
這些年她常常跟我到學校和大公司去講慈善的動物講座，就算經過大手術後，她也是那麼冷靜、愛人的一隻小狗。在中環商業大廈的辦公室裹講talk ，她會愉快地圍住場地走一圈，向每個人問好，逗得那些銀行家們十分開心。沒有牙仔的她，連最怕狗狗的人都不怕她。她是一個真正的天使來的。
去年八月，她第一次癲癇發作，頭兩次都很嚴重，身體劇烈地抽筋掙扎，在地上瘋狂地扭動滾轉，四肢不受控。第一次發生時我嚇得大叫（你要知道我是個通常很鎮定的人呀）
那時我已一直有預感，她離去的日子可能比我們想像的早。雖然是如此，發生時仍是極之傷痛。
No matter where we go, everybody would comment how lucky Rosie is to have me, after her miserable years in the breeder, now she’s living by the sea, eating the best food, travelled extensively around hk and receiving the best medical care.
But I’m sure everybody who are close to me would know, she is the one who gave me so much mental grounding and physical support, in my sometimes very difficult life... it’s because she’s there, licking my tears, kissing me from my pain, brightening up my day with her beautiful eyes, keeping me accompanied in my spontaneous adventures, that things didn’t go worse, it’s not an exaggeration to say that she’s my therapy dog. She even went to see doctor with me 🙂
Perhaps she’s worrying about me now in heaven.
Even though I’m sad, but I’m sure we’re both so glad we’ve met each other. i wish she’s here, but she’s happy till the end.
Even though cremation is on Tuesday, I hope her spirit is with me already, I always believed life ends at death and the dead one lives in our hearts, but still I wonder slightly if she’s alone at the cremation place fridge now (the answer shd be no but I still can’t help thinking that) all these years I’ve been talking about these theories or cases on bereavement; we always talk about how to talk about death to others, and that you’d need to have your own view on death to talk about it with others, i thought I knew mine clearly, but this would still make me rethink.
at least i hope like everybody’s said, she have lived happily with us, even though way too short as compared to her years of sufferings!!! I hope most of her days was very very loved.

All our time together was full of love, even the most ordinary moments like morning walks. Rosie you came to earth to be an angel, you’ve graduated splendidly you know?

See more pictures here