冰袋

Junior Patient Diary - Day 2076
我煲了熱水，泡了熱薄荷茶，還沖了一杯很細的熱朱古力。
貓與和狗兒各有要求，狗兒一直跟住我討吃，但其實她已吃了午餐，最後要我彎腰抱回房，因為腫了的原故，走出走入已很難，腑身抱她還要拿住熱薄荷茶進房也很難。
然後貓兒就在外邊叫，想吃雞肉。
我把冰袋圍住腫了的位置。
不舒服時眼睛都變矇，因為腫了行路一拐一拐，做運動變得out of the question； 本來該當放一個假，但不能游水已很苦惱，現在連走路也不行，令我好擔心； 擔心得我想立刻跟醫生說。但這個問題比打針，可能是有過之而無不及的困難。
近日做hospital 的project, 跟很多曾經患癌的人談天，很多人最深刻的都是「無限的等待」包括未確診前，那個時候等報告，大家都說心裹還是心存僥倖的，不只一個說：我又不吃多肉，家族無人有Hx，又瘦，應該不會是癌吧... 然後有一個以為自己是感冒的二十多歲女孩，現在去世了； 一個一直被醫生說是allergy - 最後發現是phase 4 lung cancer...
我想說的不是這樣，我想說的是我也曾經經歷那個等待的時候，有兩個medical professional 的好朋友分別跟我說：「希望不要是chronic illness 吧 」「如果只是心理上的問題就好了，我還可以幫你.... 」我不過是想起，就算不過是心理上的問題，我不知道她是否能幫我，同一個朋友也曾經說起，chronic 是一個很沉重的字 （要是其他人不會作出一個這樣的comment, 一般人會覺得這種comment 好似雪上加霜, or who needs more negativity, 但有時這種comment 令當時人覺得自己被理解 - 理解我的生命從今將會有一定的改變，而不是一起裝沒事。

總之現在我就有包冰在我左腳。（註 - 翻讀一次時發現； 那冰袋在我右腳，我不停意識裹知道那東西是例如在左邊，但往往會寫了相反的一邊，Nick 都知我有呢個大問題，好詭異。）
有次vanessa 問我有那時是不覺得自己病（就是能夠真正忘記了自己是有病），我也想知道... 但我記得有的，不過不適可以很強烈和突然，而且實在是關乎到每天生活，所以真正忘了的時刻有限。
有次我好害怕，在公路上，幸好我找到Karuna。
昨天若果不是見到whitop，一定更miserable幾十倍。.

有時我會想自己是不是幻想自己是很健康，但其實暗中是個玻璃人（但忘了）然後因為這個expectation 落差，令到事情更困難, 例如話我想像自己行山比別人體能好，但會突然在山中暈倒，這種事情可能不自覺帶來一種失落或打擊； 或者是實際的不安，會想，為什麼我因為忘了某一小節，然後半途成為了其他人的負累（真的不止一次發生）
又例如，入了醫院時，會好多人說take care, 但也會有人對我說「總忘了你其實是個病人... 因為你看起來很健康。」

But at the same time, 我又會擔心我寫得太多, post 得太多sick-related 嘅嘢，試過有些人說，其實你不是什麼大病... （我心裹覺得他們這樣說很.... 就算發燒或者食物中毒，很普遍很小事都可以好辛苦的啊）
但其實那只是真的日常，not trying to catch attention，上周我post 了這一句quote 在ig story (我差不多未試過咁做，因為世界上什至會有人覺得你是摶人同情）類似是 "I talk about my illness all the time, because it's a big part of my everyday life" 跟住Nick reply 了 "I know" 我覺得是很感動的事，只有他responded to that ig story... 其實大多數人可能心裹都有response 的，只是沒有說。
不過我也讀過好多人, took years before they can come to terms with their chronic illness or illness in general.

清水

"Clearwater Stories - the reason i quit my job"
一個平凡菲律賓女傭的香港日記 同場加映： 蛇故事
在我們住這裹，樓下有個大公園，很多人十年來每朝帶狗成為好朋友。（我爸媽跟有些鄰居熟得會常常聚餐及一起旅行）
我的朋友中也有些是印尼或菲律賓姐姐。 其中一個姐姐今早告訴我為何離開工作了十二年的僱主。（僱主我們也認識，幾年前搬了去清水灣；我哋以前常常叫呢個鄰居做「好似黑社會嗰個」，其實佢好好人，但因為五十幾歲仲成頭金髮同埋紋身，好耐之後先知佢哋其實在堅尼地城做菜欄的。）
原來佢唔做黑社會一家不是因為六隻狗。是因為他們搬往那裹是清水灣最盡頭，她在那家已工作了十二年。 住在那裹提心吊膽，因為她是負責帶狗那個，但外面很多蛇，有時就睡在路中心。有時突然從牆裹的孔申出頭來。
有朝在花園淋花，發現一棵樹唔同咗色，灑水之際，樹枝突然動起來，一條大網蛇伸頭出來，原來是蛇盤住了樹幹，嚇得她丟掉手上水喉狂奔。
又有一次，他們有個好大的池溏，好多青蛙呱呱叫，跳出水，因為三月左右蛇冬眠完，餓得發瘋，跳進水中，想食青蛙食不到，結果食了些錦鯉，僱主阿爸嬲得拿住大樹枝去嚇走那毒蛇。

我問她，咁多蛇是不是無老鼠，她說不是，依然是好多老鼠。
為什麼她會知道呢，因為花園有sensor 燈，她起初常想，為什麼夜晚那支燈時不時會亮起，後來發現是因為老鼠一支箭的跑來跑去....
我覺得啊工人姐姐係個good story teller 佢真係應該出本小書
- 池溏裹的活蛇
- 那早上樹變了色
- 盤在路中心吃得太飽的蛇
- 為什麼花園的sensor 燈常亮
- 從兩隻狗變成六隻狗
- 老闆是金毛紋身男
- (她還告訴我為什麼老闆的菜欄由兩間變做一間，因為大陸市場太霸道）
- 救了一隻未開眼的黑貓
- 其他好多香港人想知嘅嘢，如離家十二年，孩子已經十七歲
- 今天去中環送錢給阿仔
- 原來在法國人家打工未必如你想像中好

"One time she was watering a big plant, and wondered why the big plant's colour changed that morning, turned out it's the snake curling around the tree branch, and stuck its python head out when water sprinkled on him!
She threw the hose and ran away!"

A lot of people at where i live met and became friends because of dog walking, and among these friends some are the domestic helpers.
They have really interesting stories to share all the time. One of them used to work for a family here, but that family later moved to Clearwater Bay (the very very tip of it) , the dad of that family is around 60, but has hair dyed gold, and tattoos! So we secretly call him "the triad guy" even though he's actually very nice.
This helper jei jei moved to Clearwater bay with them, but later found a job in our neighbourhood again, we all thought it's cuz the family has 6 dogs and it's too much work, but it's NOT!!
She was telling me, "Sometimes during evening dog walks, snake pokes their heads out from the water drainage holes from the walls"

"Once a snake was too full after eating a cat, it can barely move, and blocked the village road, so they had to call the police to remove it"

NOT JUST THAT "They have a pond with fresh flowing water in their garden in clearwater bay, in March, the snakes wake up and are so hungry. One day, they saw frogs screaming and jumping out the pond, turn out this thick fat snake was swimming in the pond, the frogs escaped quickly, so the expensive fishes were swallowed instead, her boss was furious"

There are all kinda snakes in the neighbourhood, some as thick as the arm, and some as thick as the thigh XD

She worked for this family for 12 years, but at Clearwater Bay where they live, there are just way too many snakes.
She said from where they used to live, the closest bus stop is 15 minutes walk away, and also, at night there's no street lights! So sometimes you might accidentally walk into a snake. She also found an absolutely 未開眼 kitten before, which she nursed, and asked the family to keep, so the cat is all grown up now.

After hearing her story, I strongly think she should write about them, I will illustrate it for her. In fact, I just drafted the chapters for her XD